Small Hinges
I phoned a friend the other day. In fact, I phoned several friends for a reason I’ll get to in due course, but this one conversation really stuck by me.
This is a friend who knows stuff. She knows all my stuff – the good, the bad and the unacknowledged. We have shared tea and cake, late night phone-calls, and sitting on the lounge floor in tears. We have graduated together, we have celebrated together, we have fled together – from Statistics and from various other forms of inhumane torture. We know the shape of each others’ hearts and can pick up where we left off no matter how long since the last visit, the last phone-call. As I said, she knows my stuff.
Our lives have been similar and very different. By now you know some of my life choices, and hers have been as colourful and myriad. She now has a second marriage and a third, gorgeous little girl. She leapt from Business School up the rungs of the terribly impressive Management Consulting career path wowing peers and bosses alike with her vivacious wit and sheer intelligence – a formidable combination. And then, just a few short months ago she moved her family from the high flying glory of Joburg to the wide open spaces of Ladysmith in the heart of rural KZN. Just like that.
By now you will start to recognize at least some of the resonance in the lives she and I have chosen to live. And though Cape Town is not quite as rural as Ladysmith, to me they certainly both feel as far from Joburg somedays. Philosophically at least, if not geographically.
And here’s the thing – she’s happy. Against all odds and all expectations, this move has released her to be happy as herself and with herself again. And it’s the greatest gift. She literally sings as she answers the phone these days, it’s the most wonderful thing to hear.
It reminded me of something my barefoot man says, a very simple question he uses to help people find some clarity, some peace in the midst of their daily struggles in all sorts of contexts. It’s easy, he says, all you have to do is ask yourself daily “Do I want more of this? Or less?” Do I want more of this relationship? Do I want more of this person? This reaction? This job? This result? This place? Or less?
There’s no right or wrong implied in the question, either. It’s just about choice.
Sometimes life changes around you and you reach a point where you know you have to let it all go. You just don’t want any more of what is.
Which brings me back round to my starting point (a long ramble, I know, but bear with me) – in the last few days I’ve phoned a lot of people for one fairly prosaic, but for me rather revolutionary reason: in January next year the barefoot mountain man and I will be getting married. Yes, really. We decided we want more of this.
And apart from all the attending excitement, shock, and giddiness that goes with such news, my vivacious small-town friend reminded me that this was part of a process that started with one simple (if not easy) decision last year. Interestingly, like her own, it was a “less” decision, not a “more” decision.
I decided not to take a job. And in deciding not to take that very tempting, glamorous and lucrative corporate job and falling headlong into the void beyond that decision, I set in motion the process that got me here, to this pending white dress moment. Small hinges, as they say. History (& other stuff) turns on small hinges.
But the real kicker on all this stuff was when she reminded me that it’s easy to forget, in hindsight, that at the moment I made that choice I really had no idea where it would lead or what would happen. It wasn’t like Cinderella’s Fairy Godmother had visited me and said “Go ahead, take this choice – it will all work out beautifully. If you step off this train here, you’ll fall in love and remember that you enjoy your work. And everything will sparkle with little fairly dust sparkles and you’ll skip lightly through fields of flowers singing with the butterflies.” Or some such visionary glowing future. Though I should probably not include singing in anything relating to me at all – it just scares people.
At that point all I knew for certain was that I had turned down an awesome job on instinct, and I had no clue how to even start working for myself. Thoughts of love & life and mountains were fairly scarce just then.
At the point that I made what would turn out to be one of the most important choices of my life so far, all I knew for certain was what I was letting go of. I knew what I was turning down, not what I was choosing. Standing before a field of infinite options can be the most terrifying thing, but sometimes it seems you have to choose against something, and not for something as we’ve been taught for so long. You have to say “Not this”, and then see what else unfolds. And you have to be damn brave. Or naïve and stupid. And I guess that categorization will only happen much later, in retrospect, when things have fallen as they may and the new landscape that’s been created has come into clearer view.
I’ve been wondering whether it’s easier or much harder to make these kinds of “Not this” decisions in life or in business, and I’m still undecided. I’m also undecided as to whether life and business are really as distinct from each other as we seem to think, but that’s a topic for another month.
I think (with all my 21 months worth of experience in this realm) that we all know when we’ve reached a point at which we should say “No more”, and stop, and then allow the rest to unfold for us. The simplicity and calmness of that moment of realization are absolute. And then the chaos of what comes after comes thundering in from all directions. But still, when you’ve had that moment you know that you’re right, and just that tiny light can help keep the chaos in perspective.
And whether we’re making the “Not this” choice about a job, a relationship, a business opportunity or a brand project, it comes down to the same moment in which we know at a level beyond the cerebral, what should be done. What really matters is whether we decide to act on that deep certainty or not.
Another wonderful, much newer friend and mother who lost her little girl before she started breathing, but after she had already mastered loving, posted a quote on FaceBook a few weeks back that I’ve always loved, but had forgotten for a while. It’s proof for me that the best ideas are not new, and can be said far more succinctly than I usually seem to manage!
“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.” – Joseph Campbell
Sometimes “Not this” is enough to change everything. Be brave, you can’t imagine what you’ll find on the other side!
March 31st, 2011 at 10:40 pm
Lovely AJ! I am delighted for you and your barefoot man and agree with all you have said – AMEN!
With much love
Jen
March 31st, 2011 at 11:12 pm
Thank-you Jen, means so much to me!
March 31st, 2011 at 10:57 pm
What wonderful wonderful news! I have read every one of your posts and have ‘watched’ you let go through your words & experiences…it’s been a wonderful journey to be a part of even in so called ‘cyberspace’. I wish you all the beautiful things marriage has to offer ‘on the other side’. love Donna
March 31st, 2011 at 11:14 pm
Thanks Donna! looking forward to more adventures in new spaces 🙂
April 1st, 2011 at 8:17 am
Fantastic news AJ!!! You deserve real happiness and I’m so happy for you. I look forward to your monthly updates on life and everything else, thank you so much for your inspirational messages that touch me every time. Lots of love Tracy
April 1st, 2011 at 10:29 am
Thanks Tracy! Such nice news to share, and glad the blog helps keep us in touch a little more!
April 1st, 2011 at 8:39 am
You are so cool Annie. You took a giant leap to come and live by the mountain, and I certainly hope you want more of it 🙂 Can’t wait to catch up with you guys soon, I’m thinking vast quantities of bubbles? xxx
April 1st, 2011 at 10:30 am
Thanks Les, look forward to catching up soon – but maybe leave the bubbles at home? 🙂
April 1st, 2011 at 8:52 am
AJ, congrats!!! I am thrilled for you!! Now you have to get a pair of Jimmy Choos to wear with that beautiful white dress!!! Enjoy the wedding preps!!! Lots of love
April 1st, 2011 at 10:32 am
Hey Sal, thanks! Ah, the Jimmy Choo’s – a fond memory now! The mountain life comes with some sacrifices, I’m afraid… You’ll have to send photos from your next glam trip to inspire me!
April 1st, 2011 at 10:11 am
AJ –
Fantastic news and a great blog with lots of food for thought.
Congratuations and much love & happiness to you and your Barefoot Man.
LOL Karen
April 1st, 2011 at 10:33 am
Thanks Karen, so great to hear from you! Love to you & Luigi too, and thanks for reading my ramblings!
April 1st, 2011 at 10:19 am
What wonderful news AJ! Congratulations! Seems there are lots of weddings coming up in the next few months *grin*
Sending much love
🙂
Heather
April 1st, 2011 at 10:34 am
Thanks Heather! Sounds like I need an update on your side – let me know the scoop! xoxo
April 3rd, 2011 at 4:08 pm
Anneleigh
How lovely to hear your news! Wishing you a wonderful walk down your new road and looking forward to catching up in person one of these days…….Love Nicola
April 3rd, 2011 at 8:56 pm
Thanks Nicola, much appreciated! Many new roads 🙂
April 4th, 2011 at 8:37 am
Absolutely thrilled with your wonderful news AJ … congratulations! For the happy heart, life is a continous feast. Between the lines, I’m reading a banquet. Fond love beautiful girl.
April 4th, 2011 at 11:10 am
Thank-you Ruth, means so much to me – you always make me feel so supported and loved!
April 4th, 2011 at 3:21 pm
AJ,
I couldnt be happier for you. You have the kindest heart I have ever been lucky enough to met and I know that barefoot man must be a very special man to have won your heart. All my love.
April 4th, 2011 at 4:18 pm
Thanks my friend, you really made me stop and reflect for a minute! Thanks for keeping in touch with me, it has meant the world – you always said things would be wonderful one day! much love, A.
April 4th, 2011 at 4:00 pm
Congratulations to you and your barefoot man !!!! It takes a brave person to make life changes and accept the lessons that come with it. I wish you all the happiness and contentment you so deserve.
I look forward to following your wedding preparations online 🙂
LOL
Terri
April 4th, 2011 at 4:20 pm
Thanks Terri! Watching you take up your brave choices and enjoy the outcome has been wonderful too, hope your little one and your boys are still keeping you smiling!
April 4th, 2011 at 6:03 pm
Hey AJ,
Such wonderful news!!!! Congrats – after many many a bookclub and wine this is such joyous news!!! I am so pleased for you… May love and laughter follow you. Yes, I agree we all have choices and must trust that we are taking a new and exciting path each time. Yours sounds great.
Love and blessings to you, Marnz xxxx
April 4th, 2011 at 6:15 pm
Thanks Marnz! Who would have guessed it, huh? Unpredictable, these choices are! 🙂 xoxo